26 Mar Relationship Red flags – 10 questions to ask yourself
If you’re reading this it may be that you have some niggling doubts or uncertainty about the person you’re dating or in a relationship with. It’s natural to have some doubts at times – going through that process in our heads and hearts can help us decide whether somebody is the right person for us, or not.
But what if deep down you already know that this person and this relationships is not right for you. We are so good at overriding our gut feeling and still carry on, aren’t we?
Are you staying in a situation that is keeping you stuck and causing you to question and doubt yourself?
The reasons for staying can be complex to understand and hard to admit to yourself. And this is another place where you may be stuck – you already know you need to leave, but finding the strength and courage to walk away is a different story.
I totally get that – I stayed when I shouldn’t have and I ignored my instinct more times than I feel comfortable admitting. Overriding my gut feeling by rationalising, ignoring, finding excuses or explaining away whatever it was at the time. Can you relate?
It takes complete honesty with yourself to admit that your choices are not serving you. That can be really hard. Especially of you’ve already invested so much of your time, hopes and dreams in a relationship. And I really do understand – sometimes you feel so hopeful that things will change, or that you can change things if you just try harder or do more.
It can be easy to talk yourself into a relationship even if it makes you feel insecure and miserable. You end up accepting behaviour and doing things you wouldn’t normally do just to avoid rejection. You feel you can’t ask for what you want and need without fear of criticism or judgement. This is not a healthy place to be.
There are many examples of red flags that can appear while you’re in the early stage of dating someone – or they may appear later on when you’re actually in a relationship. Sometimes they are very clear danger signs ie. uncontrolled anger, rage, blame, violence – and other times it can be more subtle, ie. lack of integrity, inconsistent behaviour, controlling behaviour.
Whatever this looks like to you – here are 10 questions to ask yourself to help you work out what to do next:
- Is this (red flag) a deal breaker for me? If it’s a non-negotiable requirement for your relationship to work then you have your answer. Think about how you feel about addiction, having children or not, monogamy, religion, work and travel etc.
- What will my (and my children’s) life look like in 3-6-12 months from now with this in my/our life?
- What is keeping me with this person?
- What do I get out of holding on to this person and/or relationship?
- What is it going to cost me to hold on to this person and/or relationship?
- What is it that I need to learn from this situation?
- What is this situation reflecting back to me about myself?
- What is my responsibility / my part in creating and choosing this situation?
- What am I going to choose to do? And by when?
- What support will I need to help me through this?
You will see that I have used the words ‘choose’ and ‘choice’ quite a few times.
I want to remind you that you always have a choice – and encourage you to make that choice.
You can decide to create a different reality for yourself – don’t get stuck in something that does not make your heart sing! Don’t get stuck with the wrong person only for the true love of your life to pass you by because you’re not available.
Remember – you’re not alone and you don’t have to do this alone. Just drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can talk it through ok?