05 May 005: If you are so amazing – could this be why you’re (still) single?
We explore one of the most hidden factors that may be at the root of why you haven’t found the relationship you’re look for – yet!
If you are, like many of the amazing single people I speak to, trying to figure out what is going wrong for you, or feel that there is some sort of invisible force driving your love life, come and join me and find out whether you may be coming up against this barrier in your search for your soulmate.
For today’s episode I want to share with you something that I come across often in my work with clients and conversations with colleagues and even friends – and of course, in my own life! Trust me – what I’m going to talk about today has been – and still is very much present in my daily life – and to be honest, I don’t think it’s going anywhere soon because I have to make daily choices about it.
I’m talking about something that I’m realising is one of The Biggest barriers in some people’s lives when it comes to finding love and having the relationship they say they want. And it’s easy to go unnoticed for a very long time unless you or somebody else consciously call you out on it.
And it is simply this: Ambivalence – the hidden barrier when it comes to love.
The definition of Ambivalence states that it is the “state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone” or “the simultaneous existence of two opposed and conflicting attitudes, emotions”
It manifests itself in all sorts of ways in our lives – whether it’s achieving a particular goal at work, taking care our bodies, fitness (eating healthy for example) – but for our purposes today we will talk about how it manifests itself in love, dating and relationships.
What does it look like?
I’d say it can often be experienced as constant self-sabotage, uncertainty, doubting and second-guessing yourself, saying one thing and doing another, committing to a goal but avoiding the work to achieve it, fear, hesitation, going round in circles ending up at square one over and over again. Maybe you can relate to some of this – I certainly can!
Now – you may be consciously aware of this in your life, or you may never have thought about why things are not working out for you in this way.
So how does ambivalence show up when it comes to finding love?
Very simply – what we actually do doesn’t line up with what we say we want.
I’ve done this myself, but I also know now that I’m definitely not the only one! Here are some examples:
- I wanted to meet somebody special, but I kept my head down and preferred to isolate myself most of the time so I’d rather stay home than accept invitations or even get online and organise a date.
- When somebody asked me out I declined on occasion even though I could sense it could potentially be a good match.
- Something else I often pick up from clients is that they do want to meet somebody, but work will always come first and anybody they want to date will have to fit in with their work schedule – otherwise it’s not going to happen. So – you could be saying you want love and a relationship, but there is always something else more important to do and somewhere else to be.
- The moment you sense potential in a connection with somebody you shut it down and withdraw – but then you can’t for the life of you work out why you keep doing that! More often than not there is a hidden (and valid) driver for this and once you can uncover what it is you can change it.
- Other examples that I hear from people include that they want love, but they are concerned that may mean giving up their freedom, independence, their lifestyle, their finances – and while they still go through the motions of meeting people and doing all the ‘right things’ there is this invisible force that gets in the way, and they can’t figure it out.
- Another example is blowing hot and cold – or working really hard to get close to somebody and then pulling away – repeating this pattern over and over.
I work with some absolutely incredible people – they are smart, successful, healthy, take care of themselves, funny and just overall amazing – and they (and their friends and families at times) just can’t work out why they’re (still) single. Or sometimes – single again!
In my work with some of them we do uncover some really deep, underlying fears and concerns that are causing the self-sabotage and the uncertainty – and eventually the feeling that there must be something wrong with them – which is not the truth.
One particular amazing and accomplished woman I’m thinking of right now kept attracting the wrong people, while pushing potentially great people away because she felt that they would work out that she is not all that amazing once they’re actually in a relationship with her, that they would get bored and leave.
So while she was doing all the ‘right things’ on the surface – below the surface these subconscious beliefs/drivers were causing confusion (yes, ambivalence) which in turn came across as hesitation and a sense of rejection to a potentially really great match.
It wasn’t until we’ve done the work and she could consciously recognise these patterns that she’s been repeating for nearly 2 decades that she could make different choices and decisions about how she handled it.
My question to you today is whether you think you may be experiencing or creating ambivalence yourself and whether you recognise any of these patterns I’ve talked about.
Unfortunately we’re not going to solve the mystery of ambivalence today – this episode is more for awareness.
But I also want to say – ambivalence is not just a ‘negative’ force in your life – it can be used for good as well.
There may be times that your ambivalence (mixed feelings) about somebody or a situation is actually your gut telling you that this isn’t right for you. It’s important to listen to that.
The main issue here is knowing and understanding yourself when it comes to your habits and patterns and what you are all about when it comes to love.
What can you do about changing it?
Personally I realised that the only way to give any changes in life a remote chance of succeeding was for these 4 things to line up:
Thoughts – Feelings – Beliefs – Action
When one or more of these were out of sync or missing I knew deep down that eventually I would have to start again.
Nothing ever goes away until it teaches you what you need to know.
This remains work in progress for me. In the past I had to get very honest about what I was holding on to so tight that it kept tripping me up. And what I found was mostly beneath the surface. For example – behind my facade of confidence and saying that I wanted to find love I was still holding on to the things I put in place to stop me from getting hurt again.
What I said and did didn’t align. How I ‘showed up’ wasn’t congruent with what my heart desired. All the words that could possibly explain that I was out of sync can apply here!
If you can relate to this I want to invite you to consider this simple question – and then I also want to invite you to get in touch with me and tell me how what you found. Any insights or inspiration – I would love to hear from you!
Question for you
“Is what you do and how show up every day in line with what you say you really want?”
Do pay attention to the areas in your life where things are out of line and get clear on how you can turn this around. I know you can do it – and remember the first step is always to become consciously aware of what is going on for you.
If you need help with this process – I am here for you!
Take care wherever you are – I look forward to speaking to you again very soon.
Love as always
Ané Auret is the Dating and Relationship Coach for high-achieving, conscious and purpose-driven single women looking for a committed relationship.
With tailor-made coaching and support she helps you pinpoint why you’re still single (or single again!), end the cycle of one-off dates and dead-end relationships and stop wasting your time on attracting the wrong people. Instead you will transform your love life: date with confidence and ease, finally attract the right person for you and create the relationship you want.