31 May 009 How creating a single life you love can help you attract the love of your life
Today’s episode is about one of my favourite topics – and one of the most vital pieces of work I do with my clients. It’s so important in the context of everything that I do that I even included it in the podcast intro!
It is all about creating a (single) life you love.
Now – why would I – as a Dating and Relationship coach encourage you to build a single life that you love?
From personal experience, the results I see from my clients and the simple truth:
Loving your life as a single person has a profound impact on your capacity and ability to attract the right person for you.
Just before we dive in, let me be clear: I believe we should ALL be creating a life we love – isn’t that what we get up for every day after all – to make sure that we live the best life we can?
And I think it remains important, crucial in fact – that we still keep doing this even when we’re in a relationship and especially a long term relationship or marriage. Even within a partnership we should always be pursuing a life that we love – on our own and with our partner.
I hope you enjoy this episode and would love to hear from you if you have any comments, observations or questions for me.
How do you see your single life at the moment?
Is it something that needs to be dealt with and taken care of and you’re doing everything you can to put an end to it? I realise that you may not want to be single at this stage of your life, that you may absolutely hate it and that it is actually the last thing you want.
Maybe it’s all new and you’re still dealing with the fallout and heartbreak after a breakup or divorce?
On the other hand you may choose to be single right now. You don’t want to date or pursue a relationship because you have other priorities – and that is absolutely fantastic! You have nothing to prove and you deciding to take the time and do what is right for you and your life at this stage is to be commended. I certainly don’t believe you have to be in a relationship to live an amazingly fulfilling life.
I can also imagine that there are some that may say “I have an amazing life already thank you very much! I do amazing things and have wonderful friends and love my job – I have everything I can possibly want. There is just this one part of my life missing.”
This is what a lot of clients come to me with – this particluar scenario – and we usually end up uncovering some deep, underlying issues that are blocking them or ways that they are subconsciously sabotaging themselves despite doing everything right on the surface.
Whatever your situation is right now – I want to encourage you to see this as a phase of being single. And it is a phase if that’s what you want, because it will pass. Know that you will not be on your own forever.
My highest intention for you and for everybody I work with is that you will be in a place where you have the confidence, the strength, the capacity and the ability to create and attract the best relationship of your life. Starting with you.
You have the opportunity today to do incredible things for yourself that will not only put you on the path to find the right person for you, but put you in a fantastic position to have a strong, mature and healthy relationship when the time is right.
Being single can be such a precious time if we choose it to be – and please don’t think that I say this lightly. I only wish I realised this the times I wished my days away because I so desperately wanted to meet somebody. If only I knew and realised that I could’ve used the time by myself so much better I would’ve done even more!
I make no secret of how happily married I am and how incredibly blessed I feel my life is now – but I will never forget how hard it was for me when I was where you may be now. I’ve not forgotten the loneliness of coming home to an empty house night after night – or going to events and parties on my own – or getting on yet another plane by myself or waking up alone, especially on a weekend!
But I also know – and I’m sure that many of you can relate to this – being on my own like that is nothing in comparison to coming home and falling asleep and waking up in a relationship where you feel utterly alone and you know you don’t belong.
While I did want to spend my life with somebody I also absolutely loved doing what I wanted, when I wanted. My own choices and my own decisions and only being responsible for myself suited me. And when I met the person I wanted to be with most of the compromise of building a life together came fairly easy – but I struggled with giving up some of my ‘single’ behaviour. At least I chose somebody who was wise enough to let me come and go for a while so I could work this out for myself – and we’re still together today!
If you decide to define you being single as opportunity as opposed to being caged in, a time to love more than you’ve ever loved and give more than you ever gave you will create momentum and space for incredible things to happen in your life.
Being single isn’t a time to be constantly looking for love – it is about creating a life that is ready for love.
So don’t put off living your life until you meet somebody – live your best life now. Being single is not the time to be waiting around – it’s not a waiting room as one of my clients call it. If you’re waiting – stop waiting. And start doing. Do your life.
That is what I help my clients do too – they often come to me with love and relationship issues – but realise early on that there is quite a lot in their own lives that they want to achieve or resolve first. That they’re not actually ready for a relationship just yet – and then we start working on creating an amazing single life that fits, doing the things they love – the things that make them come alive. And this energetic shift is incredibly transformational!
It does happen that when other things fall in place in your single life – a lot of the things you are concerned about in terms of finding love resolve themselves. I’ve seen this plenty of times.
Four steps to creating a (single) life you love:
1. Personal responsibility / accountability for your life
This can be a little bit tough to face up to sometimes, but it’s also extremely positive – the truth is that you are the only one 100% responsible for your life and your choices and decisions. And where there are things that are out of your control – you still have the option to choose your response to it. There is great freedom in taking full responsibility for your life – because there is no-one to blame so to speak – you are not the victim here.
A few simple questions to ask in any situation that you are not particularly happy about or want to change in your life – is simply to ask:
- “How am I creating this situation?”
- “How am I contributing to this situation?”
- “How am allowing this to happen / this situation to develop?
And then take the next step: DO something about it! Make it real and decide what you’re going to do differently – you’re the only one that can.
2. Create very clear vision for your life – know what you want anhat you want it to look like
Take a step back and take a good look at your life – is it really going the way you want it to? Do you really know how you want your life to look like?
Know your dreams and desires and remember the dreams you’ve forgotten about – the things you still want to make, create and share with the world. Your infinite potential.
3. Become a student of yourself
Use the time to get to truly get to know yourself. Learn what makes you tick, especially when it comes to who you love, how you love and why.
4. Be Single with Intention & Purpose
This just means that you make a decision and choice to live your absolute best life with the highest possible intentions for yourself.
I’m not talking about a life that looks great from the outside – but inside you’re dying or withering away! I’m talking about living and loving your life from a place of absolute strength, confidence, clarity and conviction.
I’ve had periods in my life where I knew everything seemed pretty amazing from the outside – and people often commented on what a great life I seemed to have – but I was so deeply unhappy that I could barely make it out the door at times. This type of superficial living is obviously not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about you being true to who you are to the core.
Remember – there is nothing wrong with you – you haven’t done anything wrong do get you where you are now. You’ve done the best and made the best possible decisions and choices for yourself with what you knew at the time you made them. You did your best.
If you are single right now (whether by choice or by circumstance) you are in a much, much better position than thousands and thousands of people who have compromised and settled and are stuck in relationships and marriages that are not right for them.
Don’t let that be you!
Now – one last thing just before we finish:
Remember – when you create an amazing life and you meet somebody to share and live your life with – don’t give up on that amazing life.
By all means make the compromise that means you are now sharing your life – but don’t stop the things you love to do when you get into a relationship. Your partner didn’t fall in love with you or marry you just for you to go changing!
When you give up on creating and living a life you love you change and very quickly your significant other wonders where the sexy, interesting person they met and fell in love with went.
Been there – done that. Don’t let this happen to you and your relationship.
This is your time to Heal, to Play and to Love.
Ps. As always – I’m here for you – if you want to share any observations or thoughts don’t hesitate to get in touch.
You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or connect via twitter @datingcoach
Ané Auret is the Dating and Relationship Coach for high-achieving, conscious and purpose-driven single women looking for a committed relationship.
With tailor-made coaching and support I can help you pinpoint why you’re still single (or single again!), end the cycle of one-off dates and dead-end relationships and stop wasting your time on attracting the wrong people. Instead you will transform your love life: date with confidence and ease, finally attract the right person for you and create the relationship you want.