004 Why what you bring to your relationship is more important than what you want from it | Dating Coach Ané Auret

004 Why what you bring to your relationship is more important than what you want from it

When you realise that what you bring to a relationship – what I call our ‘Light and Shadow sides’ you can truly take control of your love life. Knowing what you bring, instead of mostly focussing on what you want helps you make different choices and decisions about what is right for you.

So what do I mean by ‘Your Love Light and Shadow’

It simply means that we all bring with us both our light and shadow sides into our relationships.  It’s just the way we’re made – and I believe we’re all a bit of a beautiful  and messy mix of both.

Today I want you to really connect with yourself and think about the way you show up in your relationships.

It is crucial for us to know what we want in a relationship, what our deal breakers are – having crystal clear clarity around what we want to create.

But what we don’t always think about so clearly – is what we actually bring to a relationship. And you know what – in my mind that is actually more important. I’m going to say that again – what you bring to a relationship is more important than what you get from it.

You know why?

Because when you truly know and understand yourself – all of you – you know why you do what you do, why you love who you love and who you love.

When you truly accept yourself you can love yourself, take care of yourself and we know that that is one of the absolute building blocks of a successful relationship.

When you take responsibility for yourself, your stuff  – your choices and decisions – then you don’t expect to be saved or rescued and you make different relationship choices.

When you know and understand yourself – you know your boundaries – your voice is strong and  you don’t compromise or lose your voice in your relationship.

So that is what today’s episode is about – it is about really paying attention to yourself in a loving and kind way.  All of you – the shadow and the light.

Here are two questions for you to think about:

1. Think about what it is that you bring that may not be helpful in creating the relationship that you want to create.  It could be many things – maybe you are quite critical of the people around you, yourself included and that may cause problems. Or maybe you shut down when you sense conflict and you’re not able to deal with it in a constructive way. Maybe you don’t trust anybody because you’ve been so hurt in the past.  Don’t be too hard on yourself – but again we do have to be consciously aware of how we behave before we can change any of it.

2. On the other hand – I want you to think about all the amazing qualities you bring to a relationship!   What is your intrinsic value and the things you absolutely love about yourself – the things you know make you a wonderful partner.  I’m sure you have many fabulous qualities!  Write them all down – write down how somebody else may experience you being an amazing partner for them. When do you feel most alive, most like YOU?

If you’re feeling stuck right now and you feel you’re trying everything but you’re just not meeting the right person – this is what I want you to focus on.

Give yourself a break – and set your highest intentions for YOUR life.  Set your highest intentions for the kind of relationship you want to have – and live that life. Live that life through your daily habits and choices so that it reflects the life you truly want.

If you want somebody to commit to you – then commit to yourself 100%.

If you want somebody you can trust and count on – then start trusting yourself.

If you want somebody who will see you and love you for who you are – then see yourself and love yourself for who you are first.

You can’t give what you don’t have – so stop breaking your own heart – it really all starts with you

We’re always work in progress – and none of us will ever be perfect.  We live and love imperfectly in so many ways, but I do believe we can find somebody who is just perfect for us.

But when you start aligning the way you live your life every day with what you say you want you exponentially increase the chances that you will meet somebody that is aligned with the way you want to live your life.

And remember – don’t settle for anybody or anything that is making you feel less of who you are, doubt or judge yourself.

There is no place for doubt, guilt and judgement in the type of relationship you’re looking for.

You’ve got this – I know you do! And if you need help – I am here for you.

Lots of Love x


Ané Auret is the Dating and Relationship Coach for high-achieving, conscious and purpose-driven single women looking for a committed relationship.

With tailor-made coaching and support she helps you pinpoint why you’re still single (or single again!), end the cycle of one-off dates and dead-end relationships and stop wasting your time on attracting the wrong people. Instead you will transform your love life: date with confidence and ease, finally attract the right person for you and create the relationship you want.


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