04 Dec Dating After Divorce or Breakup – 3 Key Truths About Deal breakers and Boundaries
Day 4: “I KNOW MY DEAL BREAKERS AND BOUNDARIES – I am crystal clear about my non- negotiable requirements (deal breakers) and I remain true to these when I meet potential partners.”
Know what you say NO to – and what to walk away from. Because sometimes that is the only option.
We all have our limits when it comes to what we accept in our relationships – but all too often we compromise, we settle, we sell ourselves short, we stay quiet when we should really speak up for ourselves and we ignore our gut feeling when something doesn’t feel right.
So let’s just break it down:
- Deal breakers
When we talk about ‘deal breakers, or non-negotiables’ we talk about things where there can be absolute no compromise on for a relationship to work. We all have them to some extent – they are personal, they are there for a reason and they are absolutely valid.
The key is that even if you are in the most perfect relationship with the most perfect person – if you deal breakers are present in that relationship it will eventually not work out. It will catch up with you.
Examples include being with somebody who wants to have a family; getting married; being financially stable; issues around religion, politics, culture; issues around drugs; mental health; a history of violence etc.
If you feel willing to compromise it is probably not an absolute deal breaker for you. In that case be prepared to compromise and have the conversations you need to have to ensure doesn’t cause a rift in your relationship further down the line.
- Personal Boundaries
When we talk about boundaries we talk about the kind of behaviour we accept, tolerate, reject or compromise on in our personal lives. It is a large part of what defines who we are and how we ‘operate’ in life and our personal relationships. It is a deep rooted part of us and the origin of our boundaries – or often lack of boundaries are in early childhood or developed through our later experiences. It’s very much like your mindset, and connected with your mindset – if they don’t serve you, you can absolutely change it.
3 Key Truths About Deal Breakers and Boundaries in our relationships:
- We teach people how to treat us, right from the first time we meet them
- We get what we accept and allow to continue in our relationships
- We are only ones that are responsible for setting our deal breakers and boundaries and communicating them clearly and confidently
Boundaries are very much tied to actually being able to communicate them clearly – and this comes down to valuing and respecting enough yourself to speak up, walk away or change a situation that you are not comfortable with.
Find your relationship voice and be strong in that. You can only ever take responsibility for your own actions and reactions in any relationship – so don’t take any responsibility for anybody else. Their behaviour, choices and actions are only a reflection on them – not you.
When you’ve come through a divorce and breakup it’s time for reflection and taking stock of what you will and won’t accept in a future relationship. Take the time to get really clear on what your personal deal breakers and boundaries are as you go forward.
This will really support you on your dating journey and help you avoid a situation where you may settle, sell yourself short, sabotage yourself or get stuck where you know deep down you shouldn’t be.
If you want to learn more about setting boundaries and keeping them you can check out this book:
BOUNDARIES: When to say yes, How to say no and take control of your life. By Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
I’m here for you.